I hate kale.

“Kale is soooooo good for you.” 

“I super love kale.” 

“I sneak kale into everything and my kids never know.” 

If you or someone you know has ever said the aforementioned regarding kale, you are the worst people. 

Today, the juiceman sold me a bill of goods on the deliciousness and mood-altering powers of kale. I watched as he threw in apple, ginger, lemon — all delicious things — into my juice. Then came the kale. Handful after handful of indigestible demon kale was devoured by the juicer. I think juiceman enjoyed this overabundance. Or maybe he just enjoyed killing that kale. He was a real jerk either way.

The result was a green foamy (and room temperature) liquid set in front of me like some kind of prize.

“Try. You like,” he said.

Glurp.

Gag.

GROSS.

“Mmm,” I managed, to which he topped off  my cup of vomitrociousness and charged me an ungodly sum of hard-earned green money.

I addressed the juice: 

“Listen, I’m going to drink you fast and then rinse my mouth out with lye, you green bastard.”

Yeah, I drank the shit out of it. But that juice was a real vindictive bitch. Five minutes after getting to the bottom of the foulness, I burped. Again. And, again. And, again. For the next five hours. What the fuck, you stupid kale? 

So I googled kale's potential for evil.

According to Health.com, the unsubstantiated authority on health, the following foods can give the unwashed masses acid reflux:

• Chocolate
• Alcohol
•  Fried food
• High-fat dairy
• High-fat meat
• Caffeine

None of the above delicious and 100% approved-by-me items have ever given me anything but pleasure. So F your noise, supposed health site.

But lest I rush to judgment . . . The following foods can fight acid reflux in your disgusting tangle of  innards:

•         Ginger (approved)
•        Aloe vera (why are you eating this, dummy???)
•        Banana (wrong)
•        Salad (snooze fest)
•        Chicken/turkey (food coma!)
•        Roots and greens (that means you, kale)
•        Rice (approved)
•        And some other boring shit

Of the above, three of these foodstuffs have given me acid reflux on more than one occasion. Which leads me to believe that I have been reverse engineered for greatness and this Health site wants to kill you. 

Furthermore, kale has devised an evil plot to take over and you’re falling right into its curly, burp-inducing hands. Join with me in rebuking kale. Every time you see its ugly, green face, I urge you to yell to the rafters: 

“Get the hell out of here, kale!” 

And then get it out of here. Please.